Solid Block of Ise

Not too long ago me and Ann-Sofie went up north to experience the Winter Market in Jokkmokk. We stayed at my parents place (who live about 10 km outside of Jokkmokk) and had a fairly good time. Of course, we weren’t the only guests there and I had a brief chat with an old friend of my father. I mentioned that I wrote a blog, and he seemed somewhat confused and essentially asked me why I did that. I answered something flippant to the effect of “I like to push my opinions on strangers” but in the days since I answered that question I’ve come to realize there’s a better answer to the same question.

The answer is simple and somewhat brutal:

I suck at verbal communication.

I never feel that I manage to convey my opinion or emotion correctly when talking. Admittedly, I find it difficult to do even when writing, but writing is a more honest way of communication for me. I have an easier time to line up my thoughts and it’s easier for me to communicate my opinion and thoughts about whatever subject might be at hand.

When talking, I hide this behind a self-assured attitude of forging ahead. Essentially I turn into George W. Bush and accidentally talk myself into situations that I don’t like, simply because I feel a need to hide this insecurity behind lots and lots of words.

Writing is more natural for me, and thus my blog has become my mouthpiece of choice for communicating things that I find difficult to talk about; it can be too emotional, or simply too complicated for me to sum up in spoken words. Written communication is easier for me, especially when it comes to painful subjects. I find it very difficult to talk about my emotions because usually I start crying. I cry when writing as well, but my ability to write isn’t impeded in the same way as my ability to talk.

A typical example of this is pretty much anytime I talk on the telephone. I really don’t like telephone-conversations except for a few exceptions. Occasionally I manage to loosen up enough to have a conversation, but in most cases I become very stiff and nervous. Earlier today I called a certain someone to wish a happy valentines day, to tell her I love her, and of course I clammed up and lost any kind of flow in the conversation. After a while I got so locked that I ended the conversation with the excuse that I needed to eat! How dumb is that? Well, on a scale from 1-10 I’d say it’s a solid 8.

Unfortunately that’s par for the course when it comes to telephone-conversations with me. There are exceptions to this rule, I’ve managed to have hours-long conversations about everything and nothing, but in most cases I clam up and become inwardly panicked about not knowing what to say. When I talk to my parents on the phone I mumble and sound very absent, and only when making an effort can I sound even slightly interested in anything they say - even though I listen carefully to everything they say and wish that I could somehow be more that just some mumbling fool pretending to be their eldest son.

I grew up rather shy. I preferred the company of books (and later computers) rather than people, and even though I over time learned to relax a little and actually talk to strangers I still need periods of isolation. One of my friends a few years back complained that whenever he talked to a pretty girl he would lock up and start saying weird things that scared them off, and how he was somewhat jealous of my ability to talk to pretty much anyone. This ability is basically a fraud to help make it easier for myself - I learned in my teens how to fake it, and this made it easier for me to lighten up and talk to people, rather than becoming really self-conscious like I used to. In fact, for many years I was great at approaching strangers and striking up a conversation.

Now, I’m losing this ability, and I prefer to communicate through writing instead. That’s why I blog. Not because I have some delusions of grandeur about becoming some rich asshole, or pushing my opinions on people, or whatever other things about blogging might exist.

No, I do it because this is the best way for me to communicate who I am with both friends, family and complete strangers.

License

This work is published under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 2.5 Sweden License.