I’m a fairly big proponent of modern digital technology. This contrasts strongly with my respect and admiration of old technologies and how inventors solved problems in imaginative ways. Add to this that I have a hobby-level fascination with photography.

There’s very little doubt where this fascination comes from: my father. All through my childhood one of the many threads was my father and his various photography-related enterprises. Admittedly I’m somewhat biased, but I’d say that he’s among the best and most productive nature-photographers that northern Sweden has produced. He’s also an excellent portrait-photographer, and he’s always pushing the envelope of the medium. At least, that’s the way he was in my childhood. He still takes a lot of photos, but the passion for photography has somewhat mellowed. None the less, he’s as skilled as they come.

-END OF PLUGGING-

Anyway. He’s purging out a lot of old equipment from before he “went digital” and two of the items being purged was a Hasselblad of to me unknown model, and a Nikon F4; a F4s to be precise. He asked me and my brother if we wanted either, and since my brother is way more photography-interested than my own fairly casual interest I let him have first pick. He went for the Hasselblad, and I got the Nikon F4. My father opted to keep the Nikon F2 out of what I guess is mostly sentimental reasons.

Each camera of course came with whatever accessories was collecting dust alongside it. In my case, that meant a 35-70mm Autofocus lens and a Nikon Speedlight SB-24 Flash. I’m a bit foggy on the exact details, but that’s what the print on them says.

My first impression was that, man, these things are HEAVY. The F4 has the added battery-pack and weighs a ton. It’s very solidly constructed and gives a very professional feel when holding it. The flash is also heavy, and I’m impressed that daddy-o would lug this hunk of metal around taking pictures. Compared to his new D40x dSLR this thing is barely liftable. Anyone who wields this thing during longer shootings is sure to develop some impressive arm-muscles.

As for the qualities… well, I’m not competent enough to give comment on that, but I’m gonna put some film in it and try out the Old-Skool method of photography some day. It’ll probably be fun.

(I took this photo with a Canon A520 digital compact. The perspective got kinda funky, the camera is actually a lot larger than the flash)

July, 2006. My life was perfect. I was moving into my dream apartment with my dream-girlfriend and our great animals. Everything was set to work out fine. Even though I as always was depressed I felt as close to perfection as I ever assumed would be possible.

This happiness is now slowly but surely being removed from me, and there’s no way I can change it. I’m certain that I will survive the future, but I’ve become a stunned man who just stands by watching things unfold. I’ve tried changing them, but it was futile. Now, all I can do is accept them and move on.

My fate is my own. I’ve blamed a lot of different things seen and unseen for my misery over the years, but this morning I came to a conclusion that many people already know - I’m in charge of my life, nobody else. I can fairly blame genetics and society for my depression, but I cannot blame them for my apathy when it comes to living my life. It’s been too easy to just shrug things off rather than grabbing the bull by the horns.

I’m wondering about how I’ve lived my life before. Did I live a life where I was subconsciously trying to live some kind of perfect life, rather than living a life that I wanted to live and not give a shit about other peoples actual or implied expectations? Unfortunately I think that I did the former rather than the latter, and this is the cause of my confusion within. Rather than living MY life, I lived a life that was a long list of anecdotes. Instead of finding the real me, I lost him along the way.

The other night I actually found the perfect subject to write a book about. I’m thinking about starting it when I get back to Umeå. It’ll be interesting, trying to write something like that. Maybe I’ll publish it here in my blog, providing interest exists and I myself feel it’s up to my own expectations. Don’t wait too long for it, I’m great at starting stuff but crap at finishing them.

Well, me and Ann-Sofie arrived here in Jokkmokk a few days ago, and today is the first day of the famous winter market.

So far it’s been a interesting stay with some severe moodswings from all the participants. Hopefully this weekend we can get in touch with some friends.

I find it nice to be unplugged for a few days.