Solid Block of Ise

Being depressed and having to look inside yourself is a painful and often difficult process. It’s a bit like surgery on the soul - something that is painful but beneficial in the long run. In the best case, the pain is very small compared to the healing after the procedure itself.

This process of analyzing oneself is none the less interesting. I feel about my own process that I’m being almost reborn. Rediscovering who you really are, who you really feel like is I guess kind of similar to that. Depression dampens your soul, your spirit and your life. It’s like always wearing a wet blanket. Heavy and damp it’s always there.

So, when you finally start managing to get a grip on that blanket and find ways to remove it, you also discover that maybe you weren’t the same person coming out of it as you were going into it. Pain changes a person, whether to the better or worse is really a matter of perspective. Regardless the re-discovery of that person is a voyage both exciting and painful.

I know that if the person I am now could meet with the person I was ten years ago it’s very doubtful that they would get along. Ten years ago I was naive, maybe a little too shielded, and far too sure of myself. Then again, even though I now have shed most of that naivety I have also become cynical and bitter in the process. Too much of either isn’t good.

Wow, I’m rambling.

What I’m trying to build up to is what the topic is about. Accepting help, and how to do it.

The only thing I’m worse at than accepting help is asking for it. I don’t know the roots of this, maybe it’s a society that encourages self-reliance, and maybe it’s also the depression killing my trust in other humans. Trying to figure out why I do it would keep an army of people occupied for the rest of time.

Ever hear of that saying, “no man is an island”? Well, for many years I considered myself to be an island. Of course my own island traded with other islands, but I always kept to myself, trying to pride myself on my self-containment and self-reliance. What flummoxed me was why this never worked. After a while it dawned on me that I needed other people to be a person myself. I was fencing other people out, becoming incapable om emotional attachment and always preparing for the worst.

In short, I needed to ask for help when I needed it and realize that accepting that help didn’t mean I was weak or incapable of living my life. I needed to stop thinking of my life as islands, and think of it as a unity, a patchwork between people helping each other. Friends or family or complete strangers shouldn’t really matter - helping your fellow man or woman should be a natural thing. This later became the foundation of my humanist viewpoint.

But it’s still difficult for me to accept help, and ask for it. Sure, I’ve gotten better at it, but it’s still a work in progress. Combine this with my lack of expressing my thoughts in verbal communication and I feel that maybe people who help me don’t always realize how grateful I am for that help. I’m an introverted personality, and tend to grunt and mumble a lot. This does not, however, mean that I’m ungrateful. It just means I’m a caveman when it comes to verbal communication.

So, let me give a little clumsy but honest advice to anyone who thinks that he or she is an island: just don’t do it. You’re not an island. Instead maybe give people a chance to come close to you. Sure, it’ll hurt sometimes, but when you find a true friend that you can depend on it’ll be worth it. Know that this person is someone who will help you, and who you in return will want to help. In whatever way may be possible. It might be something as big as helping you move house. It might be something small. Regardless, it will be something valuable to you.

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