Solid Block of Ise

A lot of things are rolling around inside the empty space I use for a head.

First off, I think a lot about the adventure that my parents are setting off on. It’s been kinda hush-hush so far, but now it’s pretty much official. They’re leaving Sweden and spending at least a year on the Shetland islands. They’re renting out the house, and generally this is an impressive adventure for a couple rapidly approaching their sixties. I guess that’s my parents in a nutshell though, they’re rarely phazed by anything and once they set their minds to it then it’s pretty much a given.

I don’t want to sound like a big baby either, but this makes me a bit nervous. I really appreciate the need for new horizons, but it feels a little weird to observe this process. My parents and their house always was the center of my universe. No matter how badly I screwed something up, I knew that there was always a serene place up in the north where I could lick my wounds and recharge my batteries.

It’s a weird thing being happy for your parents who are doing something impressive, while at the same time feeling a bit scared by such a big change.

The second thing that consumes a lot of my thought-process is the split with Ann-Sofie. The whole thing makes me really, really sad even though I try to put up a brave face and deal with it. Sure, life goes on and I’ll probably meet someone new in the future. But at the same time I feel so darn insecure. I don’t like moving, I don’t like splitting up. What if the same procedure gets repeated in the future? It’s tiresome to fall in love and a while down the road find out that it’s not working. Sure, this was a bit less painful than my breakups of past, which were always sudden and incredibly intense. Still hurts though, even though I know I will recover and this will not be the end of the world.

But it ties in with that first thing. I often feel so incapable of taking care of myself, and I’ve always had my parents to ask for help. Will that disappear? Who will help me move when I find a new place? Who will help me with whatever shit I manage to screw up in the future?

I’m a little emotional, and all of a sudden everything just feels so big.

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This work is published under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 2.5 Sweden License.