In a burst of caffeine-fueled energy, inspired by this article I wrote the below piece on how operating systems would be if they were cafés. I didn’t like the original article and here’s my take on the same concept. Of course it’s filled with my own opinions, caveat lector.
Microsoft Café: To enter you first have to agree to a EULA stating that Microsoft cannot be held responsible for anything that you do while inside café, nor can they in any way be expected to provide service or any kind of warranty. Also, simply to enter the café you have to pay various fees depending on where in the café you want to be seated. If you pay the most expensive price to be seated in the “Ultimate” room you’re promised to be pampered and receive free gifts, however none of these ever materialize, usually with some hollow excuses to the effect of claiming that shipping has been delayed. They recently redecorated and now heavily style the café with smoked and frosted glass, while previously it looked as if the interior was designed by Fisher-Price. When you ask what they serve the reply is “nothing” since you’re expected to purchase any beverages or snacks from other vendors and bring with you into the café. When you ask how the café is funded, or how it’s run you get the reply that the source of that information is only available to the management of the café. Every so often the chair randomly explodes under a customer for no apparent reason, and everyone simply accepts this as normal procedure.
Apple Café: The café is nice and shiny. Lots of metal and glass, and there’s neat little tricks that the chairs and tables can do. However, the entire café is run by one person, and is heavily decorated with pictures of him. The coffee and snacks are horribly expensive, even though the ingredients are virtually the same as any of the other cafés albeit a little prettier to look at. Most of the patrons are dressed in identical blue jeans and black turtlenecks, and will viciously attack any other newcomer who voices even the slightest criticism of the café. The chairs don’t explode quite as much as at the Microsoft Café but they will do so occasionally. A much more frequent occurrence is inexplicably being hit in the face by a vividly colored beach-ball. There’s also a very limited menu, and when you ask for something that isn’t on the menu the rude staff will look strangely at you and ask “why would you want that when we have everything you need right here”.
Linux Café: It isn’t so much one café as a bunch of different cafés working together with similar menus and similar furnishings but with many minor differences. Everything inside the café is free of charge, and you can bring the coffee with you home or give it to friends. The staff is regular people just like you who all take turns working at the various cafés, and you notice that many of them seem to work simultaneously at many of the different cafés within this franchise of sorts. You inquire as to how the café is run and without question you’re furnished with copies of every invoice, every order, every business deal the café (and others) has ever done. The interior of the cafés are easily re-arranged to your taste, and if you want to start your own café you are promptly provided with the necessary tools to do so. Also, the café is capable of not only traveling through time and space, but it can also convert into a church, a stable, a farmhouse or a dormitory if the need for such should arise. The menu in this café is incredibly vast and they serve approximately 20.000 different varieties of coffee, have about 30.000 types of biscuits, cookies and other delicacies as well as serving multiple types of food from all over the world. Everything free of charge, of course. You’re also encouraged to contribute your own type of coffee-drink or snack, either from scratch or adapting an already existing type of food.
