Personal Issues And Such

I’ve purposefully avoided writing about various personal things here and focused on the nerdy stuff. I’m wondering, should I start writing about my thoughts and life again? Should I try making this blog personal and not just about my computer-interests?

Sometimes I try, but I almost immediately give up. A resounding feeling of “what’s the point of it anyways?”

That’s the feeling I’m fighting. That feeling of futility. Why should I write about personal stuff because who gives two shits about what goes on in my life? Most of the people I keep up to date with get it through the phone, facebok or whatever no matter what I write here.

But at the same time I know it’s good for me. The bolts have almost rusted solid since it’s been ages since my last confession, and I need to start writing again and lubing up the old machinery. Loosen the nuts and bolts, get things going again. Start writing honestly about stuff that makes me happy, stuff that bothers me, stuff in my life.

Only need to find a little energy and a little motivation for it.

You Know You’re A Computer-guy When…

… you do some remodeling in your apartment, clean out some cabinets and end up with this stack of assorted motherboard-boxes that you’ve acquired during the last decade. Especially when you realize this is only a fraction of the ACTUAL amount of boxes you would’ve had if you hadn’t thrown away all the crappy ones.

Why do I keep these boxen? Because they’re sturdy and great for keeping stuff in.

My Own Contempt

One of the defining characteristics about myself is my deep and total contempt for politics and politicians. While I can tolerate politicians on the lower levels (and there is some very few exceptions on higher scales too) I find the whole business of politics and politicians become more and more distasteful the higher up you get in the hierarchy of all this.

This is one of the oldest characteristics in who I am, and it’s been a part of me virtually as long as I’ve been aware of the concept of politics.

Sometimes I wish that I could be ignorant and naive and believe the hogwash that politicians tell us. Sometimes I wish that I could stop thinking, and stop seeing how hollow their promises are. Sometimes I wish for the ignorance and bliss that might come with it.

But I can’t. I lost faith in politics and the people involved with it long time ago, and for each year that passes this lack of faith gets stronger.

When I went to school we were taught about democracy and parlamentarism. That the power wielded by politicians were given to them by us, the people. That this power was wielded to promote the happiness and security of the common man. That politicians worked for us, and to further to goals of peace, prosperity and safety.

Sadly this turned out to be a lie. Today the common people exist simply to promote politicians. Politicians who have long since become corrupt and lost touch with why the got into this system in the first place. Politicians who’ve become almost autocratic, and who feel that they’re above the rules. Politics have become draconian systems to keep the common man in place, and our elected politicians are ignoring our opinions in order to further their own hidden agendas. The saddest thing is that we’ve become to complacent that we stop caring, and every time there’s an election we listen to the lies and we vote in another bunch of crooks.

My own lack of faith in politics and the lack of goodness in people involved with it saddens me. But it’s nothing compared to the sadness I feel when I see how badly they country is managed, and how unabashedly the lies are thrown in our faces these last few weeks before election.

A Boring Movie

This is what happens when you’re bearded, watching a really boring movie and your hands are a bit restless.

Vilse

Jag känner mig väldigt vilse i mitt liv. Behöver hjälp, vård, omtanke. Jag känner mig som ett rådjur som tittar förskräckt in i lyktorna på den snabbt annalkande långtradaren.

Det jobbigaste är att jag inte orkar skriva om hur jag mår, för det känns för stort, och för att jag inte längre känner att jag har orden eller orken att skriva om det samt (och det här är nästan värst av allt) att jag inte längre känner att jag litar på min egen blogg.

Det är knappt jag orkar prata om det heller, för den delen. Jag skulle behöva nån som tog hand om mitt liv åt mig, medan jag återhämtade min styrka.

Efter nio år känns det bara så tröstlöst…

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Utvärderingen Avklarad

Idag har jag varit på utvärdering på psyket, inför min framtida behandling.

Det var smärtsamt, men skönt att få bollen i rullning.

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Ett År

Idag är det på dagen ett år sen jag officiellt flyttade in här i min trevliga lägenhet. Egentligen är det lite plus också, jag flyttade den sista Augusti men officiellt flyttade jag in här den 1a September förra året.

Känns bra. I början var jag faktiskt lite osäker på om jag skulle trivas, men det precis som alla andra ställen jag har bott på under mitt vuxna liv har det bara tagit lite tid innan det blivit ett hem för mig. Tveklöst är det här också det finaste hemmet jag bott i sedan jag flyttade hemifrån, även om den förra lägenheten också var fin så var den inte riktigt “mig”.

Jag hoppas fler vänner hälsar på mig under hösten bara ;)

Hackers At The Beach

Today I went to the beach. It was sunny, lovely and wonderful. Despite being a bit tired it was nice to lie there and relax. The sun was hot, the weather was nice and there was just enough people to make me a slight bit too shy to dive into the water.

Quite lovely.

Skönt

Loggar in på min internetbank. Förväntar mig en ekande tomhet. Till min stora förvåning ser jag att jag fått ersättning precis som vanligt. Vet inte varför. Tänker inte ifrågasätta det. En obeskrivlig lättnad sänker sig över mig. Blir en bra midsommar ändå, vilket är mycket skönt.

Möte imorgon med AF. Ska prata med Hans om taktik och upplägg innan han går på semester. Från djupaste dalgången upp till normalnivå. Ska göra en checklista med saker jag måste göra dock.

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trött och apatisk

Innan jag somnade igår hade jag så många tankar jag ville skriva här. Nu är jag bara trött och apatisk. Orkar inte tänka. Orkar inte skriva. Orkar knappt göra nånting, och vetskapen om att jag måste göra saker låser mig ännu mer.

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